Painkillers
by Lady of Many Masks
Summary: Ron jumps into a Dragon Pen and is now in St Mungos. When he wakes up with questionable sanity his friends have no idea what has caused him to go crazy. Fred and George do.
1. Painkillers

Harry and Hermione waited for Ron to wake up from surgery.

"I still don't know why he would jump into a Dragons pen," Hermione said slightly mystified.

"I don't know," Harry said slowly. "But I think he saw a spider."

They sat there for a moment. "That makes so much sense." Hermione said. They leaned forward as Ron woke up. "How do you feel?" She asked him softly.

"Okay," Ron said after a moment. He stared at Harry's shirt for a while. "How long has that tape been stalking you?" He asked.

"What?" Harry asked, not sure if he had heard Ron correctly. Ron pointed a bandaged arm at Harry.

"Is it trying to kill you?" He asked seriously. Hermione looked to where Ron was pointing and picked a piece of tape off of Harry's shirt. "Make sure it doesn't find the glitter spiders." Ron said seriously. "If it does then we're doomed." Hermione used her wand to burn the tape.

"It's gone now," She said a little uncertainly. Ron shook his head sadly.

"No, its not." He said. "The birdy took it."

"I just burned it." Hermione said slowly, trying to reason with Ron.

"No the phoenix took it," Ron argued. "Just like it stole Dumbledore. He touched it then poof!" Ron said dramatically. Harry and Hermione stared at Ron who was looking at them expectantly.

"What did they give you?" Harry asked incredulously.

"Who's giving me something?" Ron asked childishly. "Are they giving me candy?"

"No," Hermione said slowly. "Not until you feel better," She added. Ron pouted and folded his arms. They were thickly bandaged and to Ron they looked like gingerbread cookie arms. When he voiced this comment out loud Harry snorted before getting himself under control.

"Gingerbread cookie arms," He said weakly.

"I want to eat them," Ron decided. Harry and Hermione didn't think he was serious until he had one fist halfway in his mouth.

"Take that out of your mouth," Hermione commanded, more than a little alarmed.

"But I wanna eat it," Ron complained, but obeyed her anyway.

"You cannot eat yourself," Hermione said sternly. Ron looked down at his hand before smiling.

"Then you eat it," He said holding out his arm. At this Harry couldn't stand it anymore. Hermione's shocked and disturbed face combined with Ron's expectant expression as he held out his arm was too much.

When Harry burst out laughing Draco Malfoy entered. Draco had made up with the trio and helped them to defeat Voldemort. Now they were close friends.

"Go on," Ron said to Hermione. "Eat it." Draco stopped short.

"Did Ron just tell you to eat his arm," Draco asked Hermione, not quite believing what he had heard.

"Do you want some?" Ron asked turning his arm so it face Draco. "It tastes like Snape."

Draco's mind was running in circles making him ask the question, "How do you know what Snape tastes like?"

"Well…" Ron said leaning forward conspicuously. "He is a Potions Master right?"

"Yes," Draco answered hesitantly. Harry looked like he was going to pass out at this point while Hermione stood frozen.

"So he obviously tastes like potions," Ron said. "Really nasty ones. Because he looks like someone dumped a greasy pot on his hair and drained all his blood." Ron said putting his bandaged hands by his face. Ron's face looked very serious and seemed to think he made perfect sense. Ron was quiet for the next minute or two, enough time for Harry to get himself under control. Ron gasped suddenly bringing everyone's attention back to him. "Do you think he's a vampire?!" Ron asked loudly.

Everyone froze.

"Ronald Weasley!" Hermione exclaimed appalled.

"What mum," Ron asked. At this point Harry had a relapse and Draco had joined him.

Hermione sputtered, "I am not your mother," She said blushing heavily.

"Then who are you?" Ron asked. Harry and Draco were leaning on each other for support with tears running down their faces. "Are you the tooth fairy?" He asked. "I don't know who that is, but I think you are the tooth fairy. Do you fly?" Hermione was far too stunned to reply.

Draco was laughing even harder when he remembered her buck teeth she had had when she was little.

When Hermione didn't reply Ron frowned. "Are you broken?" He asked her. Harry and Draco collapsed on the floor before Harry tried to defend Hermione.

"She's not *gasp* broken. *gasp* She's just shocked." Harry managed to get out calming down. Draco rose on unsteady feet gasping for breathe.

"Did an Eel catch her?" Ron asked confusing the two.

"What do you mean?" Draco asked, eager to hear what would come out of Ron's mouth next. This was the most he had ever laughed in his life and it kept getting better and better.

"When someone gets shocked they get caught by Eels. Then the Eels want to have babies. But they need mudblood magic to hatch them." Ron said seriously. "Does she have Eel babies? Did she eat them? Can I have one?"

Harry and Draco were laughing so hard that they were on the floor again unable to stand.

"Don't use the word Mudblood," Hermione said coming out of shock.

"You can't tell me what to do," Ron replied smugly. "You're not my mum."

"No," Hermione said angrily. "I'm your wife!"

Ron looked shocked. "I'm married?!" He exclaimed. "Do we have Eel babies?" He asked her.

"What?!" She squawked. Ron turned to Harry and Draco. "Are you two married?" He asked them. This immediately had the two leaping away from each other with identical looks of shock on their faces.

"NO!" They denied. Ron looked disappointed.

"But you two look so cute together," He pouted. "And I wanted a Drarry." He added crossing his arms childishly.

"What's 'Drarry,'" Harry and Draco asked.

"I don't know," Ron said thoughtfully. "But I want one."

"YOU'RE FANDOM SHIPPING!" Hermione shrieked laughing so hard she was fighting for breath. She calmed down after a moment. "We aren't even in a book or movie." She commented.

"Can I have a 'fandom?'" Ron asked Hermione.

"No, the Fangirls would kill you." She said only half joking.

Ron gasped and pointed. "Look!" He squealed excitedly. "They have a Christmas tree!" They turned and looked at where he was pointing. When they turned back Ron was standing in front of Draco. Draco jumped back, wary of the redhead with questionable sanity. "You look like a dragon." Ron said.

"What?" Draco cried, outraged.

"A dragon," Ron said nodding, pleased with himself.

"Somebody stun him," Draco said.

"No," Ron said sticking out his tongue.

"We are going to be rich," Fred said as he and his twin watched Draco, Harry, and Hermione chase after Ron. They had invested in a video recording device as soon as they had heard of their fathers desire to try 'muggle painkillers' out on Ron. When they had investigated the effects of the drug the two had been convinced Christmas had come early.

"Sell it to the Slytherins?" George asked smirking at his brother.

"With Snape as the distributor?" Fred replied smirking. Turning their attention back to their brother they continued recording the events transpiring.

"To bad the staff at St. Mungos never check for recording devices," George said with false sympathy.

"To bad," Fred agreed with a sad face. "For Ron," Fred perked up.

"Revenge is sweet," George agreed.

"But this is far sweeter," Fred said happily.


	2. Aftermath

The students in the Great Hall were terrified. Snape was smiling. It looked like he was floating on clouds. The Slytherins looked confused. What was going on?

Fred and George sat lounging in the Slytherin Common room. This was going to be epic.

_One week later..._

Ron and Hermione walked into the Great Hall. They had been hired as teachers two years after the Final Battle. The students all watched them. Then something happened. Something that no one knew was possible. Snape began to laugh. In response to this several students entered a state of hysteria convinced that the world was ending.

"What's going on?" Ron asked, very freaked out by Snape. But before he could do anything else he was forced to leap out of the way as the students stampeded out of the Great Hall. A few moments later Snape looked like he hadn't been laughing at all.

"Are you all right Severus?" McGonagall asked mildly alarmed.

"I am perfectly fine," Snape drawled. "I simply remembered something those brilliant twins showed me earlier."

Ron had a bad feeling about this. He didn't know why, but he felt like this would end very badly for him.

Snape glided down to the Slytherin Common Room with his black robes billowing around him smirking. When the twins had shown up in his room earlier that day he had thought they were there to do some awful prank on _him_. But instead they had shown him something absolutely glorious. Ron Weasley behaving like a fool! He had a new patronus memory.

Once inside the Common Room he had to stop and compose himself, otherwise he might start cackling. And Severus Snape never cackled.

Severus gathered his snakes in the Common Room. Smirking to himself he told them about a new Weasley product. Eyes brightened and smirks were exchanged. Professor Weasley was very prejudiced against the Slytherins unlike his friends. He only really tolerated Professor Malfoy.

"How do we order this wonderful product?" One of the seventh years asked. Snape smiled nastily.

"All you have to do is…"

"YOU TWO RECORDED IT?!" Ron bellowed at the twins who sat mildly in the Headmaster's office. McGonagall had been made headmaster and she had appointed Snape as her Deputy. He complained about her choice, but had accepted anyways.

"I do believe that we just said that, did we not Forge?" George asked his twin.

"Yes Gred, I do believe we did." Fred replied.

"Can I get a copy?" Draco asked the twins.

"NO!" Ron cried putting his head in his hands. "I want all the copies destroyed!" He yelled at the twins.

"Well~" Fred started.

"~we would~"

"love to~"

"~but it would be~

"~rather difficult~"

"~seeing as~"

"~we don't have~"

"~all the copies." George finished.

"Who did you give them to!" Ron bellowed standing up.

"Just a few people," Fred said smirking. "Lovely people Slytherins."

"Who did you give them to to give them to the Slytherins?" Harry asked, curious.

"Snape."

"Where did you give them to him? I thought he was usually in the Slytherin Commons." Harry asked knowing perfectly well how the two had gotten in.

"We were in the~" Fred started.

"~Slytherin Commons." George finished.

"How did you get in?!" Ron asked furious.

The twins looked at each other then back at the group facing them. "Magic!"

Harry and Draco laughed while Ron looked like he was going to burst a vein.

"That doesn't answer my question!" He said.

"Yes it does," Fred said.

"It just wasn't~"

"~the answer~"

"You wanted." George finished.

Ron turned several interesting shades of red. Harry thought he looked a lot like Vernon when he got mad. He also began to worry about his friends health. He was turning blue.

"Are you alright Ron?" Harry asked as Ron passed out.

"Ron!" Hermione called.

"Let's take him to the hospital wing," Harry said. The others agreed. Harry and Draco felt like Ron deserved what his brothers had done to him at least a little bit. He was really mean to the Slytherins.

"Should we go put our plan into action?" Fred asked George.

"Of course," George said smiling. "This is a very good time."

"Gingerbread men unite!" They chorused throwing their arms into the sky.

Ron was determined to confiscate all the recordings of his time at St. Mungos. Walking through the halls he stopped when he saw the first one walking through the hallways.

"No…" He trailed off horrified. Walking towards him was an enormous, red headed gingerbread man. Ron threw a dissolving curse at it. Nothing happened.

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the inhabitants of the castle heard screamed in such a painfully high voice that everyone stopped in confusion. Except the Weasley twins. They began cracking up in front of their class. They taught Charms. Charms was very interesting that day.

Ron sat down in the Quidditch stands with the other teachers. He looked haggard. Nothing he had done had gotten rid of the gingerbread men. When he looked over at the Hufflepuff section of the stands he whimpered. The students were holding up support banners for Draco and Harry. Harry, who taught Defence against the Dark Arts, and Draco, who taught Curse Breaking, had strange expressions on their faces. Both were favorite teachers and very popular outside of Hogwarts, but this was a little over the top. There were 'Drarry' posters EVERYWHERE. Both teachers shook their heads then turned their attention to the game. Ron let out a very interesting sound when he saw the players. They were all dressed up like Eels, Hufflepuff, and Gingerbread men, Gryffindor.

"Why are they wearing those?!" Ron demanded turning to McGonagall.

"The students said that they wanted to wear something different." McGonagall said. "And that these were warmer than their usual uniform."

"It is far better suited for the cold weather," Harry said trying hard not to laugh.

"That's what Severus said," McGonagall replied.

"You let that slimy~" Ron started.

"Professor Weasley," McGonagall reprimanded. "Just because you are unable to see what a good man Severus is does not mean that you can insult him. And in front of the entire school no less!"

Ron turned an interesting color, but remained quiet. He was glad that Hermione wasn't here. That would make this unbearable. Later that day he would find out that the twins had recorded the game and showed it to Hermione. Harry had to restrain Ron to make sure the twins survived.

* * *

><p>Thanks for reviewing Poetrywoman!<p> 


	3. Final Stroke

Minerva was starting to think that Ron was not suited to being a teacher. Or that the twins were somehow responsible. But for the moment Ron was scaring the students so badly that Severus had to protect them from the snarling red head. She had honestly thought that the walking gingerbread men had been fun.

Someone knocked on her door.

"Come in," She called. Ron walked in.

"Why did you call me?" Ron asked flopping into a seat in front of her.

"Because you are terrifying the students," McGonagall said. "You snap at everyone and some of your curses have been rather dark. If this continues then I will have to fire you." She said calmly.

"Fire me!" Ron said standing up. "It isn't my fault! Fred and George~"

"Don't blame other teachers!" She snapped. "Your behavior is yours and yours alone. Regardless of their past and even if they did something you need to behave yourself. I've had Draco comforting first years in hysterics because they were in your class!"

"Draco," Ron exclaimed shocked. "That weasel doesn't have enough heart to care."

"Ronald!" McGonagall exclaimed, shocked at her previous students reaction. She collected herself. "This has gone on long enough." she stated. "You are hereby removed from your post effective now."

Ron sputtered, outraged.

"And I will be retiring in a few days so if you want to regain your post you will have to take it up with Severus." McGonagall continued.

"That old bat?" Ron said outraged. Then he started to pull out his hair thrashing around and screaming. To say that McGonagall looked alarmed would be an understatement. After sending a stunner at the ex-professor McGonagall portkeyed Ron to St. Mungos. This boy needed to see a mind healer.

* * *

><p>At the Great Hall the students didn't know whether to feel relieved or not. Professor Weasley, the mean one, wasn't there. The Slytherins were in a far better spirit, although the first years still were of the opinion that he was waiting for them to let their guard down.<p>

"Where is our~"

"~dearest~"

"~little brother?" The twins asked.

"He was told to go up to the Headmasters office," Hermione replied looking worried.

"Don't worry~"

"~I'm sure that~"

"~he'll be~"

"~just fine." The twins assured her. After all, they hadn't done anything in the past two days. An owl flew down and landed in front of Severus. He took the letter tied to the owl and read it.

"It seems," Snape drawled. "That Professor Weasley was taken to St. Mungos." Hermione turned pale then ran out of the Great Hall.

"And this time we didn't have anything to do with it," Fred sighed as George played with a large spider.

"It wasn't intentional anyways," George added.

The Weasley family waited to find out what was wrong with Ron. McGonagall had returned to Hogwarts and told the Weasley family that Ron was fired.

"He's terrifying the students and I am not certain that he is completely sane," McGonagall explained.

"I don't understand how this could have happened," Molly and Hermione said both looking a little lost.

"I don't know," Harry said. In truth he had his suspicions about Ron. There just seemed to be something a little loose about him these last few months. Even before the Dragon Pen incident.

"Do you think that he'll be okay?" Hermione asked Harry.

"He'll pull through," Harry said putting an arm around Hermione. "He always does." He didn't know for sure, but he wasn't about to tell her that. Or that the twins had given him a new product of theirs. A walking red-headed gingerbread man. For some reason, he was sure that wouldn't go over well.

Ron was finally well enough to get out of St. Mungos. It had taken the Mind Healers several months to help him get over his anger management issues. Now he was finally walking outside. Today was a great day and nothing could go wrong.

* * *

><p>Fred and George watched Ron as he walked away from St. Mungos with Hermione. They turned to each other and grinned. It was time to welcome their little brother home with a gift made especially for him. The students had even volunteered to help.<p>

Ron and the rest of the Weasley family gathered together for Christmas. The Weasley Twins had said that they had a few things at the shop to finish before they came over later. They had said they were bring over a surprise later.

Molly brought out the Christmas feast and they all enjoyed themselves. Draco and Harry were waiting for the surprise. They had a feeling it would be especially big this year.

"We're home!" The twins hollered walking inside with identical Cheshire Cat grins on their faces. Ron felt his stomach drop. Happy twins was never a good sign.

"Come in," Molly said bustling about. "You're just in time for the turkey!" The twins eagerly sat down at the table. The turkey was always the best part of Christmas dinner.

"Great!" They chorused.

"Can't wait~"

"~to dig in!" They said.

"No matter how much I eat at Hogwarts your cooking is always the best," Harry told Molly warmly. Molly blushed.

"You're just saying that." She said, but looked pleased.

"No he's not," Draco said. "I've always liked your cooking." Molly looked very happy with the compliments and the table was soon overloaded with food.

After dinner everyone sat around the tree sedatatedly. Content to simply sit together with their family for the time being.

"Did you say you had a surprise for us," Molly asked the twins leaning against her husband. The twins looked at her before that smile from earlier came back.

"Yep," Fred said.

"And the students helped us," George added.

"So nice of them," Fred said his eyes gaining a twinkle in them.

"Very thoughtful of them," Molly said.

"We had to set it up outside," Fred said.

"It was too big to bring inside," George agreed.

"Let's see it," Harry said standing up.

"We set it up before we care inside." the twins said. They led the group outside. The sight of a large gingerbread house outside had Ron twitching. The house was large and extremely impressive with different gingerbread men walking around. They all had red hair. It was clearly a Weasley Gingerbread house.

"It's beautiful," Molly said. It was very well done and looked almost real. Except for the gingerbread men. They were far more basic and were clearly done by the students. The large gingerbread man walked around in circles then one began to act very oddly. He started by holding his arm towards another gingerbread man. Then to another. The Gingerbread man then approached a blonde gingerbread man, that everyone had missed in the sea of red heads, and the blonde started to chase the red head.

"I think that one of the students enchanted it wrong," Fred said as the blonde one ripped off the strange red ones arm and began to eat it.

"I didn't know they could do that," George commented. Soon all the gingerbread men were after the injured red who was running around crazily.

Ron's face was pale as he watched the gingerbread man being eaten. He could feel himself start to trembled. It was him. They wanted to eat him. The gingerbread man wanted to eat him.

"I don't remember the Gingerbread men doing that earlier," Fred said off handedly looking mildly confused as the Gingerbread men made wands from the remains of a table. Soon they were casting strange spells at each other until only two were left. Some how the originally injured red headed had survived and had stolen a wand from another Gingerbread man. Most of the group was too absorbed in what strange events were happening in the now horror like Gingerbread house to notice how Ron was reacting. The twins watched his facial expressions change from white to red to white to purple to red to deathly pallor. It was very interesting. They hadn't even given him anything. Or planned the actions of the Gingerbread men. The students had done everything with the Gingerbread men.

A dark haired Gingerbread man walked out with a wand and stood by the blonde then pointed his wand at the red head. The blonde and dark haired Gingerbread men kiss. Then lots of little blonde and dark haired Gingerbread children appear, from nowhere. A look of horrible comprehension dawned on Harry and Draco's faces.

"That was the Hufflepuffs, wasn't it." Harry asked calmly as Fred and George dissolved into laughter. Draco had a strange look on his face, Harry and the twins could tell that he was trying to keep himself from bursting out in laughter.

"I have to admit~" Fred said.

"~that the students might deserve~" George continued.

"~extra credit." They finished. Turning to look at Ron he had turned an even paler shade of white, making his freckles stand out like dots of ink. He hadn't even looked more horrified when he was facing Voldemort. Then there were ninja Eels. Now Hermione was in a state of shock. The ninja Eels dropped from the attic and assumed poses. The Gingerbread men sent simultaneous bursts of green light at the poor Eels. Now everyone was disturbed and Ron looked like her was about to pass out. He also kept twitching every few seconds.

"We did not teach them that." The twins said putting their hands up when Molly gave them a glare. What happened next was the final straw.

"Well, I must say that this is unusual." Voldemort said sipping tea behind them.

Fred and George were going to have several words with the Slytherin and Ravenclaw students. That was their spell.

"Can't say I blame them," Voldemort continued staring at the remains of the Gingerbread house. "Can't stand gingers myself." Voldemort then exploded into a large collection of glittering spiders. Ron collapsed. He was promptly admitted to St. Mungos and is scheduled to begin counseling soon.

The twins sold red headed Gingerbread men, ninja Eels, and small interactive Gingerbread houses the next Christmas.

Ron never tattled to Molly ever again. After all, the twins had told him that he was going to regret it. They just never said how.

The entire student body were pleased to report their O's to their parents. The Ravenclaws and Slytherins were especially smug.

And that's the end of the matter. Until Ron does something stupid again.


End file.
